Mission: LP9
by CyleFlynt
Summary: Very funny. I won't say what the plot is because I think that kills the humor of the story. This was one of my first...and worst...fics ever written. Enjoy what used to be. It's a great laugh at a literary mistake.


Mission: LP#9  
  
Dedication: This H/R fic is dedicated to two crazy HR fans. Still can't understand why they like this sappy stuff. Read on. Read on.  
  
Chapter One  
  
A penthouse suite shudders with the shouts rampant within. 'WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I JUST DON'T LOVE YOU?????' a young masculine voice shouted.  
  
A second, more refined voice answered with equal venom, "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeerrooo..."  
  
A low growl was heard from the dark haired teen as he grumbled something similar to what she had said-only shorter.  
  
She stood slowly and began to make her way to him but before she could continue, he shushed her and calmly said, 'Relena. I know you love me. I just don't feel ANYTHING for you.' And with those final words, he left the suite, stretching his arms out as if free from an eternal burden he had been forced to carry.  
  
---  
  
Back at the lab...  
  
A lone scientist had his head close to a flask, examining the very contents of a concoction he had just devised. Meanwhile, an unlucky assassin padded up behind him, eager for a closer look at the contents himself. 'Dr. J. How goes your project?'  
  
The bearded and mustached scientist looked up and replied, "Finished actually. I was wondering if you might like to try it out Heero? Instead of killing everyone for peace, I'm going to alter their chemical balances within their brains to achieve my goals. All you have to do is take one sip and allow me to examine you."  
  
'Mission objective: drink flask.'  
  
As Heero reached for the flask, his arm was suddenly caught by an exceptionally hard cane. 'I would cry in pain but my intense personal training has removed any sensation at all from my self.'  
  
"This is my dinner boy!!! You think I can eat solid food at my age!? That pinkish fluid over there is your mission boy!!!!!"  
  
Glaring silently at the old man, many scenarios ran through the teens head. Unfortunately, his chance of succeeding was thus far 0% so he dismissed the possibility of removing another elder from social service benefits and settled for the pinkish concoction behind him.  
  
He lifted it up and stared at the transparent pinkish liquid. A very un- Heero-like thought rushed through his head before he was able to shake it away. 'No.' he thought, 'pink is not a gender based color in this century.' He swirled it and watched his miniature whirlpool develop and collapse before a cane landed on his head.  
  
"ARE YOU GOING TO STAND THERE LOOKING AT IT ALL NIGHT OR ARE YOU GOING TO DRINK IT?! And I thought I taught you better Heero."  
  
Narrowing his eyes at the last remark, he uncorked the flask and took a swig. Moments seemed to pass and nothing happened.  
  
Suddenly, his vision became blurry and psycadelic pink swirls began to color his vision, transforming everything he saw a different shade of pink.  
  
Widening his eyes, he thought to yell 'no' before realizing a warm, melting feeling inside.  
  
'What is this? I feel-happy. Which is a big deal-for me.'  
  
Turning to the news broadcast the good doctor had just turned on, Heero saw the most beautiful girl he had ever set eyes on. Long blonde hair, deep aquamarine eyes, a set expression. Relena Peacecraft. Soon to be Relena Peacecraft-Yuy if he had anything to do with it. Anyways, he knew she liked him from previous experience. He just couldn't remember what experience it was.  
  
Turning, the soldier padded out of the room, escaping the notice of the good doctor and padded towards a certain hotel.  
  
---  
  
Another teen, a certain American, leaned back in his computer chair before languidly calling to order the gathered pilots. "As you all know, I have gathered you he.."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Just get on with it." An annoyed Chinese spoke as he glared his beedy little eyes at his equal.  
  
Frowning slightly, but not losing face, the American continued, "I feel that now is the best time to remove a certain Peacecraft from the equation."  
  
A gasp came from one of the moniters and the Arabian stood valiantly, "Milliardo is just fine. He hasn't even left Mars yet!"  
  
Seething inwardly, the once cool and collected teen frustrated, "I wasn't talking about that Zechs guy! I was talking about RELENA!!!!!!"  
  
A short silence was heard before the one with no name spoke and said, "And just WHY are we doing this?"  
  
Nods from the other moniters were all the American received before answering, "Am I really the only one Heero calls at 3AM to complain about her to?"  
  
"Ummmm, he calls me at 12 noon. It really is getting in the way of lunch."  
  
"8AM here. I can't workout anymore because of him."  
  
"3PM. IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT JERK COMPLAIN ONE MORE TIME DURING MY CARTOON TIME I WILL PERSONALLY REMOVE HIS TONGUE!!! THAT IS BEYOND INJUSTICE I SAY!!!!!!"  
  
Baseball eyes formed on the four others staring at Wufie before the awkward silence was broken by the American self-proclaimed leader. "Ummmm, right Wufie. But you all see that she is getting into our lives through Heero and rather than take out a comrade!!! We must take HER OUT!!!!!!!"  
  
"JUSTICEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (again. The baseball eyes form and they sweatdrop too)  
  
The blonde pilot grinned and said slyly, "Ok guys. I have a plan...."  
  
---  
  
Tears flooded for mere moments before the subtleness of what her 'man' had said sunk in. 'he really feels nothing for me.' *sniff sniff* 'I suppose I should move on. Get over him. Get out more. Ick! Why the hell am I still wearing these disgusting school girl clothes? I think it's about time to do something all women should do when upset. Go shopping!!!!!!'  
  
And thus, was the thought-train of Relena Peacecraft.  
  
---  
  
She was walking towards the mall, a determined expression set on her face. He was tailing her, attempting to find the perfect moment. He then noticed four shadows looming in the distance. "Mission target compromised. Must destroy enemy." He turned and pulled his wrist to his face and shouted, "ARISE BIG O!!!!!!!!"  
  
*five minutes later*  
  
some random voice: wrong anime idiot!  
  
'Oh yeah...'  
  
The dashing Heero Yuy turned around and jumped into his mobile suit, just in time. Using his gun thingy, he shot the steady red target. Using his boosters he flew to the naive yellow one and burned it into a pile of metal gundanium. He then used his sword energy beam thingy to cleave both the unsuspecting dragon and the reaper in half.  
  
"Mission accomplished. Previous mission: in progress."  
  
Four half dead gundam pilots lay hanging halfway out of their gundams lost in a tormented sleep.  
  
---  
  
'There she is. Picking out that pink dress. She's so beautiful. I must love her. I must talk to her. I must..'  
  
"May I help you?" a salesclerk asked.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!!" Pulling out his incredibly huge pistol (like the one Vash carries around) he shot her in the chest and ducked behind a pile of clothes as the corpse hit the ground.  
  
"Mmmmhhhhmmmmm?" Relena murmured as she turned around. Finding nothing, she dismissed the sound and continued shopping.  
  
'mission almost compromised. Move in. Move in.'  
  
Sneaking up behind her he grabbed her causing her to panic, throwing him over her shoulder. His eyes widened as he landed on his back looking up into her aquamarine lobes seemingly falling into a bottomless depths.  
  
"I knew you would come back." She said coyly. "But I hate you. Leave me alone." And with that, she walked away singing, "I will survive!"  
  
After a moment of hyperventilating, the young pilot sat up, teary eyed and said, "Mission incomplete. Need assistance."  
  
---  
  
The good doctor never knew what hit him...  
  
---  
  
"What?" Relena thought. "I didn't order any wine. Must be hotel policy." she evilly grinned. "Well, even though I'm under-aged, I think I'll drink it anyways. Fruit juice is SO overrated."  
  
---  
  
She poured her wineglass and settled into bed, snuggled close to her fuzzy stuffed rabbit. She never let the press in about her little 'secret.' She just had to have someone there to cuddle up to and Mr. Wiggles had been there through thick and thin. She had even gone through the trouble of forming a compartment inside his back to hold formal treaties, an alibi just incase anyone ever found out about 'him.' Smiling contentedly, she hugged him tight and placed him on the pillow next to her before grinning at her awaiting wine.  
  
She swirled the liquid first. She had seen other rich adults do it at parties and so it just seemed right. Unfortunately for her, they had one thing she didn't have: experience. A slight bit splashed on her pajamas, giving her a cold wet shiver pass through her skin. Narrowing her eyes, she brought the glass to her lips and gently tasted.  
  
Bitter at first. But then tangy and almost spicy. And as quick as the other changes were, so was the final. Intensely sweet yet not syrupy at all. As sweet as the liquid was, at the same time it was not clingy or suffocating. Furrowing her brows, she thought about it for a second before dismissing it like everything else. A creak sounded on her artificial wooden floors. She grabbed Mr. Wiggles close and turned over in bed, hoping against all hope the intruder wouldn't check an incredibly lumpy bedspread.  
  
'Relena.'  
  
Fury filled her as she shot straight up and yelled, "Heero! Just what are you doing in my bedroom? Get out!"  
  
At first he almost looked confused, if Heero could ever manage the expression, before turning to leave. "No, wait Heero. Why did you come?"  
  
'I thought the drink would make you love me, but it didn't work. Mission failure.'  
  
"Heero, I've always loved you. Like the drink, it started out awful and I just wanted to spit it out and get away from you. But I didn't. You spiced up my life and made it interesting and now I have love that is so sweet, just like this drink that I can always hold. That's why it didn't work on me. I already love you." However, she caught herself and returned sternly, "This does not mean that I am not mad at you for coming into my room without my permission or that I just forgive and forget earlier, Heero."  
  
'Yes ma'am.'  
  
"Good." Again, her brow furrowed as she asked, "Heero, what's wrong?"  
  
Instead of answering, he stalked ever so closer to her. Inches away from her lips he stopped......  
  
And tore away Mr. Wiggles ripping his head off and causing his stuffing to fly everywhere.  
  
A look of horror crossed Relena's face as she began to tear and screamed, "Heero!"  
  
A single look was all it took. 'Nobody gets that close to your body unless it's me.' Then, turning on heel, the gundam pilot stalked out of the room, still under the influence and carrying the head of Mr. Wiggles clutched in his fist. No amount of patching can save such a friend.  
  
She pouted for a moment and then reached beneath her pillow and pulled out the real Mr. Wiggles. Giggling to herself, she set him down beside her pillow and told him, "Don't worry. He'll be back tomorrow night for your other spare. I just wish he'd hurry up and get with the program and ask me out. Any more dawdling and someone might think he's yaoi or something."  
  
Continuing to laugh to herself, she slipped into a sleep full of sweet dreams and comical muses. These were much better dreams than her earlier political nightmares.  
  
---  
  
The end.  
  
"Oh my Heero. You're pink and I feel all fuzzy and warm inside." 'I feel the same for you. I FEEL for you. Marry me!' "YES! I do!" 'I do too! Let's go consummate it!' "ok!" 


End file.
